Attempting to do a review for Nyaope, a movie dubbed “a story about Nyaope: the illegal drug”, I looked for positive things to say. However, I could not find any. Not even after giving the camera work the benefit of the doubt, despite the shoddy editing. Therefore I’ll just get into it.

Where do I begin? Firstly, the guy playing with his peen in the very beginning of the movie, why did they have him shouting “I’m coming”, repeatedly? How he acted it out is another issue, one only the director can explain. And then once he’s released his million baby-would-be’s, he wakes up – mind you, he has spandex tights that seem to have been on throughout the hand and peen romance session – he puts on his school clothes. Without washing his hands at least. Really? Where do they do that? And who was responsible for the wardrobe? Were they trying to emulate the late Wacko Jacko whose pants’ hem only rested above his ankle, and forgot that the King Of Pop completed the look with white socks?

Moving right along, was it a vital requirement to cast dusty people that had no problem in getting paid in non-perishable food items and Cheesekids collectables? They could have at least used a few familiar faces, if not to redeem all these blunders, to boast about having those faces on the movie when they promote it. Wait, there were well known faces. Only, it was kwaito rejects Jairos (of Trompies), General (of Mashamplani) and Mapaputsi, tasked with judging some dubious talent contest fit for a youtube parody clip, towards the end of the movie. Why didn’t they at least get Madam Gigi to whip his mangina back and forth to entertain us? But I digress. Since the careers of these kwaito “greats” are basically non-existent nowadays, I take it they agreed to those food items and collectables too.

With regards to the story, God knows the writer’s heart but he just confused the hell out of the rest of us with how the plot is structured. Or is it his lack of understanding of the book Masihambisane? The editor didn’t help thing either. I found it so hard to understand what and how things were happening. Perhaps I’m not that artistically inclined and they were making statements that went over my head the same way questions posed to Mandoza in interviews are always lost in translation. If that wasn’t enough, I spotted a bevy of spelling errors in the subtitles. Was a creshe student responsible for this mammoth task? Not to mention the absence thereof in some spaces where the subtitles should also have been. I guess consistency is not even in their movie making books.

Nyaope is as captivating as watching comedian Madluphuthu brush his beaver teeth. Wait a minute, they have such a character in this movie too. Modeled exactly like the original Madluphuthu. Originality anyone? I think he should actually sue for the theft of the character that has catapulted him into fame and fortune in Kwazulu-Natal. They are messing with his pay cheque.

I could go on and on and on, but I choose stop here. Maybe the first question, and the most important should have been, who approved this project to be distributed and marketed in the state it’s in? I was in hysterics with laughter, not because it was hilarious, but because of how bad and stupid it was. I felt like I was watching a reject from the Ekasi Stories series broadcast by eTV not too long ago. Well, I guess some people will buy it for the same reason. But I won’t be there. We’ve got to do better people.

Be Sociable, Share!

•